Life is GOOD

Been going to the gym and thats good, I have hurt my back which is somewhat frustrating, I am trying so hard to get this weight off but then something like a sore back attacks me and then I cannot do much…

anyway… enough of weight loss!

Today we had a photoshoot as a family and it went great! i am so excited to see the photo’s! I now know what its like to feel like the one waiting hehe!

Tyson and Elizabeth are now sharing a room, When I first made the choice for them to share a room I really thought it was going to be hard, and then I felt like maybe it was a bad idea so I doubted the idea for a while! then finally we did it and its worked great We have to put tyson to bed first as he tries to make elizabeth giggle if they go at the same time (haha!) so he goes first then she does and its working well! she wakes once through the night and he does not even stir, mostly she sleeps through…. its going good

Feeling good Life is good!

This week I have been in Hamilton visiting the inlaws, its been great, Tyson loves coming and hanging out and its so nice just to chill a bit and relax.. The pressures that are at home do not follow me so its a good get away.

so seeing weightloss and getting healthy is a big thing to me i have another blog dedicated to it:

http://takeaway30kg.blogspot.com/

i started it ages ago and got slack… so yesterday I started it again and I plan to try and post in it every night, Im going to just be honest in it about my weight loss and about my struggles, it will be my weightloss diary open to all.. so feel free to read and follow and help me get to my goal!
But I love home also! I miss drew and home we will be tomorow night

I have somewhat fallen down a big hole with my weightloss, I have struggled and lost focus these last few weeks.. so really its time to get my butt back into gear!

time for bed will blog more another night!

I thought I would do a blog update…

its been more then a week! urgh! already failing at my goals… not just blogging, i have been bad with the chocolate… bad with everything really…

the house is a little more organised! but its also messy at the moment so really not getting anywhere with anything..

I have been feeling pretty flat lately, probably not the greatest start to the year, but its one of those things I cannot really control, the down moments seem to hit me just like the good ones…

I hate that when I think i have this PND or whatever it is under control, it takes me from under my feet and places me back to square one… when I think i maybe better… I seem to feel horrible again…

I know that its one of those things that won’t go away, given the fact that I have family histroy of mental illness from both parents, i dont think i was ever going to get away free from no issues… but if anything the PND made me fight and made me even more determined to not let it defeat me, the days that I feel so hopeless and alone, i cling to God even more, i turn to my family even more… I would be so lost without that support…

weightloss has kinda come to a halt the last week, ive been slack and not eating the best.. I loose my motiviation and when I find it it seems to only be a temporary burst! Oh well! moving forward!

I was thinking about the type of goals people set when they kick off the new year, and when people say how they hope 2012 will not be like 2011.. my friend was talking a bit about it and how people seem to blame the year that was for the things that happened… when really its about your attitude…

I could reflect back on last year and say it was hell, but really it was good,

we moved into our new home
we had a beautiful healthy baby girl elizabeth

i got pnd
i fought like hell to not let it beat me

drew and i have grown closer
we found a church home that we connected to and felt welcomed at
we made new friends
reconnected with old ones

tyson grew! got smarter learnt more explored more, melted our hearts more!

africa planning happened

lots happened last year, it was a hard and an emotional year for me, but it made me stronger it shaped me and it changed me…

this year I hope bring the same, I hope it brings me more challenges, i hope it brings more joy, I hope it brings drew and I closer and I hope we continue to grow closer in our faith, I hope this year we get stretched and challenged by africa, i hope that our lifes get shaken a bit more.. whatever that may bring I am ready…

life is too short to be negative about the things that have happened, if i dwell on how hard it was then things will not get easier, I think if i choose to just deal with the things that have happened and pick myself up and dust myself off and just keep plotting forward then eventually things are going to get easier…

I am rambling now!

thankfully this is my blog that I can ramble away in…

Twenty twelve is here!

I hope everyone had a wonderful christmas and a great time bringing in the new year,

We went to Geelong for the day on Christmas day, our morning started with tyson opening his gifts (and elizabeths!) and he just loved it so much! He was excited about all the Mcqueen themed things he got as well as singing Happy Birthday to Baby Jesus, I love the interest Tyson has taken into Baby Jesus, and how he will just bring him up in any conversastion.

Elizabeth is on the move all the time! she just wants every toy she is not meant to have! it is fun! and hard keeping her away from tysons toys when he loves to play on the floor…

We spent new years with friends for tea and then welcomed the new year while playing monopoly, I always beat drew at this game! and it is because I spend lots and then gain lots from him But I always remind him that if the game was real life, I would loose, I have always been hopeless with money, I have always been horrible at saving and I have always jumped to quickly with my spending.. It is something I am not proud of at all, a habbit that I formed myself and one I wish to break! Which of course leads me to my lovely list of new year resoultions…

I really want this year to be focused on drew and I and the kids growing as a family (no not another baby yet!) but growing together spiritually and emotionally, and actually saving and being more organised and more active with our lifes…

so goals!

- Get to 77kg before I head to africa

- Get to 65kg by the end of the year

- see our savings go up

- control my spending, learn good saving tips save more, and spend alot less, be strong and not give into spending on something I do not really need.

- do more activites with the kids

- have a more organized home

- gain a qualification in something (this sounds silly but i’ll blog about it another time!)

- Grow close to Christ (indiviually, and as a family.)

- connect with our new church

- Develop my photography skills and business

- NO chocolate for a year.. (but this is slighty changing.)

so ok, chocolate is one of my biggest biggest weaknesses, I can eat a whole block in one sitting, its digusting, its a habbit I am struggling to break… so i have decided to cut it out completely, but I of course have found it hard, I have eaten a little bit.. but its made me more aware. i have not eaten a whole block or anything yet, its only been a few days so I guess we shall see how we go, but I think that goal is more about reducing the amount I am eating, I might eat it now and then ie social events or something.. but not just at home on the couch being lazy…

I have alot of goals this year, I do not care if I do not reach them all, goals are something that I have always set, I find it gives me motvation, it gives me something to stick to and look too… I think it is a way for me to keep my self accountable also.

. Not only do I want to see an outward change happen in my life this year, I want an inward change, i want to be physically healthy but also spirtually and mentally..

Another goal is to blog at least once a week! so lets see how I go with that!

Welcome to 2012, I hope your year is a great one!

WOW! This time next weekend it will be christmas eve!

I am so excited about christmas this year! This year on christmas day we are heading to geelong for the day, We will start our morning off with going to church and then have a yummy pancake breakfast and then head to geelong for the day…

We are really excited about christmas this year because tyson understands it so much more, (poor elizabeth misses out a bit this year!) but she gets gifts of course! but not the chance to understand it like tyson… I guess its good also because it has given us one year to really kinda go a bit crazy and spoil tyson, which I know is probably not a good thing, but we just felt we really wanted to give him some pretty special gifts… So he is currently maqueen crazy! and we have a few things to do with him, also thinking of getting him this maqueen car we just discovered but we are still not sure, we know he would LOVE it but then is it worth it!

This age is a hard age because the things they love now they grow out of very quickly… i guess any child is like that, but I think the phases little kids go through end sometimes as soon as they start…

Life…

- tyson has been really sick with gastro these last few days, I thought he was on the mend and sent him to childcare yesterday he seemed 100% better and so I thought he would do ok, i picked him up we went shopping and everything and then that night at tea he did not eat dinner, and then he had his bath and then was sick in bed poor kid so he had another bath, he woke this morning at 5.30 crying and not settling, so he came into bed with us.. Took him to the dr’s and dr just confirmed gastro still, IM still not convinced if it is that, If he is not improved by monday I will take him again..

I really stress when he gets sick, esspecially with gastro, its the one thing that freaks me out, the thought of him getting it and then elizabeth getting it and then drew or me, it just is one of those things thats so catchy.. these last few days we have been praying and praying for healing over tyson, he is still unwell but praise God that no one else has gotten sick… colin buchanan’s song rings to my heart during times of sickness… Be strong and courageous lord of the ages, holds all his little ones safe by his side, be strong and courageous lord of the ages, he hold’s all his little ones safe…

there are more words, its a song that brings me comfort, its a song that comforts tyson.. its truly a beautiful song.. makes me cry almost everytime i listen to it!!!

- elizabeth!!!!!!!!!!! oh she is amazing! she is growing SO fast!!!! she is crawling backwards, rolling everywhere, loves vegitmite on bread, and is just beautiful… she is starting to develop this beautiful happy bubbly personality, she is so strong willed and determined as well! but she is doing really well and not sick thankfully!

- drew is good as well, working hard as he always his, tonight it is his christmas dinner… which I’ll post on soon

- Me, well I have reached my first goal before the end of the year and that was 88kg, I have actually passed it and got to 87kg I am so happy about this, I have 20kg to go to get to my goal of 65kg.. Next step is to get to 77kg, so 10kg! My goal is to get to 77kg before may, that means I need to loose about 500grams a week, I have lost 1kg this week so yay!

Tonight drew and I are going to his xmas dinner breakup.. (well if tyson improves i will go, but if not only drew will go..) ill be a bit sad if I cannot go, mainly because I was very determined to get to 88 for this event, get a nice dress and look my best! it was just important to me, and I have reached the goal got the dress and everything.. But i wont go if tysons not any better… I might just have to get dressed up and enjoy being at home for the night

I will be sure to take a picture and add it to my weightloss journey!

Christmas is close.. celebrate it well, remember Jesus, and enjoy celebrating with your family.

in the last week I have lost a crap load of weight.. its a bit crazy.. I still honestly am struggling to get my head around it!

I have been eating alot healthier in the last week, fruit salad and water in the morning, salad for lunch (or baked beans on slice of toast w fruit snack after.) tea is usually rice w chicken or beef and i add salad or vegies onto mine..

I have been going to the gym every night for 30-60 min and I have just joined curves (yesterday.) which will assist me with my strenghtening and that is a 30 min circuit that I do in the mornings.. so at the moment I am doing 1 – 1.30 hours of excersise a day… on top of this I am also back to drinking my daily 2 litres of water

I know I might seem obsessed.. I guess in a way I am.. But I am finally FINALLY starting to see that my hard work is starting to pay off, that going to the gym everyday for a week and eating healthy WORKS.. its so simple and instead of me making excuses not to go I am actually forcing my self to go…

I am sorry for those friends on FB  I am driving nuts with weight loss… but this is IT for me.. this is a make or break type of thing…

I was so unhappy being that fat disgusting version of Hayley Mah, she was unhappy, frustrated and did not care.. she was lazy and did not bother…

this person (i am slowly becoming.) is more confident, healthier, happier, pretty (maybe!?) this weight loss has improved my mental and physical state.. its improved my marriage and my relationship with my children.. its given me confidence..

No one can stop me now..

I no longer “dream” of being that skinny person over there.. I actually just vision my own dream of being fit and healthy!

here is a progress picture from over the last 6 months!

A year and a half ago I weight 130 kg, I was depressed and did not care, I ate for comfort, I ate when I was happy, I ate all the time actually and I did not excersise, i did not care about the house work, I had no energy no zest for life…

at the time I never saw how I was damaging myself, I never noticed that I was harming my self by food and not making an effort…

When I fell pregnant with Elizabeth something clicked… It was a wake up, drew and I were watching the families season of biggest loser and we both woke up, we both new that we needed to make sure we do not become overweight parents, that we do not become lazy, that we change and start making an effort…

I have to say its been a hard road, After having elizabeth I was very scared about gaining all my weight back again (i lost such a huge amount being pregnant with her.) and I thought that I would go back to being fat and miserable again.. But this time I new I couldn’t I new that I could not go back to that person.. I new that I could not eat my depression away… Suffering with PND with elizabeth has made this really hard.. To not eat for comfort has been a struggle… food was my way of feeling better…

So I went to my dr demanded help and that is where I am now, I am onto my 4th month of taking duramine and hoping this will be my last month on it so I can work this out on my own… I do not want to rely on medication to do it… It really is only ever meant to be a short term thing…

The last month and a half I have struggled to find the energy to goto the gym, and i was sinking into my old ways with food, This last week I have been really pushing myself to do better, I just started my new script of duramine which has also motivated me to get my butt into gear… If this is my last month on it then i need to work my hardest..

I have been at the gym every night this week so far (went sat, missed sun, went monday and tonight.) I am hoping to get into the habbit of going everynight, I have been going those nights and doing an hour of cardio, Today was the first day in ages that I managed to drink down 2 litres of water….

my current weight is 90.8 kg

my first goal is: 88 kg

my second goal is: 77 kg

my final goal is: 65kg

It is time to get busy and cut this horrible fat of mine!

I would like to be at 88kg by the end of the year!

It has been almost 6 months since we welcomed elizabeth into the world…

I cannot believe that its been 6 months! honestly it feels like it has been 6 years… so much has happened in the last 6 months… It seems like a long time ago I was holding my precious daughter for the first time…

Sometimes I look back at these last 6 months and wish I could do them all over again.. I wish I could do them better.. take out the depression and the anxiety and maybe things would have been better for all… But I think going through it has shaped me and helped me be a better (more relaxed.) mum… I have had to push through the tears and anger and stress thats going on in my head and just simply love my children.. to hold them and play and laugh and not worry about the stupid house work or whats for tea.. not stress about what will happen if I go out with both of the kids, what happens if tyson gets sick or this or that.. just love them…

I keep forgetting… I love being a mum… I have wanted to be a mum since.. well I don’t even remember when I new that being a mum was the thing I was meant to do! I think i have always struggled to accept that, I think I feel like a failure for not wanting more in my life.. for not wanting to do something more with my life then being a mum?!?! i mean really.. being a mum has been the most hardest, rewarding, happiest experience of my life! it has shaped me and challenged me and given me lifelong skills… It is taking me on a journey every single day… i love it..

It is time for me to just be content with that.. to accept that my role is this.. that God has given me something special that what I am doing here is important…

I think my fear of failing and dissapointment people steers me into a thought pattern of “what can I do to ensure they are not dissapointed in me?” “how can I make sure that this person does not hate me..”

and it is so stupid.. its time to relax, breathe and enjoy being me…

since i have blogged!!!!!!!!!

WELL! There really is not alot to report, Winding down to the end of the year Or am I building up? Photoshoots and a hens night and a wedding and then christmas, it is speeding up fast really… I am really looking forward to ending this year and entering a new one…

This year has been a really big year, if anything its been big emotionally!

I am still struggling with the up’s and downs of this dreaded thing called post natal depression, highs and lows.. but really they are easier to cope with then what they first were, when I have a low day I just push through and hug the kids more! I go out, i call a friend, i see my nan, i just distract my self from how I feel so i dont let myself sink in that silly big dark hole… its definatly getting easier…

This would have to be the first year where I feel like I have accomplished some goals that I set for myself this year!

I have lost weight

I didnt bf succsessfully but hey I got to 3 weeks which is a try

drew and i have grown much closer, much strong and still just as crazy and in love

I think as a mother I am learning to not try “so hard” that its ok to make mistakes, there is no perfect, and that if I pressure myself It will make things harder…

I believe that my PND resulted from feelings of failure, failing at bfing and i failed because i chose to have a c section, i failed because i didnt bond with her instantly… I kept telling myself all these silly negative things…

I have finally realised that NONE of that stuff matters, it really doesnt, I have finally accpeted that the way I have done things is ok, that who I am and the bond I have with my children is special and only one of a kind, its something that no one else will be able to break, and I didnt need to breastfeed or birth them “naturally” to build that bond… I have that bond with them regardless…

I am really proud of who I am as a Mum, As a Wife, As Hayley Mah… I am proud of who i am, Im not like anyone else, I am me, and who I am is fine the way she is…

ive fallen in love with this song over the last week or so,

I can relate to it hugely, sadly I am not a big miley fan, but this song is a good one, she did good!!! I think this song relates to probably most people..

but its helped me over the last few weeks, ive been so down about being down, ive been thinking about how ive failed, and how i let elizabeth down, how these last 4 months are tainted because i struggled with depression, because I will look back and maybe only remember the bad things, then the thought of what if this happens again with any future babies we may have….

I keep on beating my self up, i kept telling myself how useless i was…

I struggle to see anything postive about my self, i am to scared to like anything, i dont know why, i want to just start being myself, im sick of holding back…

this song.. has helped me let alot of this out this last few weeks, Im proabably still on a road of ups and downs, But this song helped me accept it, it helped me acknowledge that this is just one big (shitty) mountain that I have to over come, and I can either go through it with my head down, or I can old my head high and get through it, and even though I have been getting knocked down I will come out stronger.. I know I will…

there is a part in the song that says my faith is shaken, and in all honesty my faith has been shaken, but I think its been shaken in a good way, this is something I have not been able to try and fix myself, ive had to give it all up to God, i know not all of my readers are christian and you may not get it, but I believe that my faith and trust in God is what has helped me get through this for sure…..

i sometimes get pretty frustrated and start wondering why i had to go through pnd… why do i have to struggle with being up and down when really I know i should just be happy… how frustrating it is to feel so trapped in my own silly little head…

Im ready to start embracing change, to accept the fact that Yes I am broken, but I will get better, that this is just a temporary stage that will only get easier… each day im coping better, im happier, and when that low does hit me I actually deal with it better, im not falling a part anywhere near as much as what I had been…

I still need to figure out where i am, who i am and what im doing, why im doing it… somewhere in that id like to think i could find some confidence some self respect….

bring on this mountain i will climb it with my head held high, and with the strength of my family, my friends and above all my God.